Nice Work If You Can Get It
My Dad always told me the best time to look for work is when you don’t need it. Between my broadcasting, legal, teaching, consulting and stand-up comedic obligations, I’m not hurting for employment so I figured now would be a good time. And after this past week at the Statehouse, I have found the perfect place to look for work, township government.
Now I will admit that previous writings on this blog other forums might have led some of you to think that I was no fan of township government. I’m not, but I do love money. And just like Willie Sutton who liked to rob banks because that’s where the money was, I’m going to get myself a job in township government because “there is gold in them thar hills”, or at least $200 million in surplus.
Don’t believe me, try this on for size.
Remember the Washington Township Board in Marion County which recently voted itself a 69-percent pay raise, even though it no longer has a fire department to oversee. Board salaries went from $2200 annually to $3800. They average about 8 meetings a year. When was the last time you got paid $475 to sit in a meeting? Now granted that’s not quite as good as the Noblesville Township Board that pays $7500 annually, but they meet once a month, so that’s a nice $625 for a meeting that lasts an hour. Or if neither of these works out, I can always try for the Union Township Board in Montgomery County. I could get $5,000 a year to attend four meetings.
But it’s not just direct pay. Any good job also has to have benefits attached to it. What’s a job without health insurance? It’s not one any of the part-time board members have on Noblesville Township Board in Hamilton County or Perry Township Board in Marion County have to worry about. They get taxpayer funded health coverage.
And don’t forget life insurance. You get that if you’re on the Warren Township Board in Marion County. Die while in office, your beneficiaries get $15,000.
And even if I couldn’t get good insurance, there are plenty of ways to milk the system.
For example, if I was the Lake Township Trustee in Allen County I could do poor relief from my home and pay myself rent. I made $4,800 last year. And I only gave poor relief to 15 people. As a matter of fact, 13 out of 20 of Allen County’s township trustees use government money to rent space out of their homes.
And the other nice thing about a township government job is if you play your cards right, the public will rarely bother you because they would hardly be able to find you. Only five of the 11 Township Trustee offices in Montgomery County are listed in the phone book, only two have signs and only one keeps regular office hours.
I’m telling you folks these are some pretty cool jobs and I frankly don’t blame township government folks for not wanting to give it up. Based on recent data, 75 percent of township trustees ran unopposed in 2006 and 64 percent of the township advisory board candidates ran unopposed. Fifty percent of Indiana’s poor relief comes from two percent of its townships. In 2007, 40 percent of the townships gave poor relief to less than 10 households.
And if anybody tries to complain about how my job is outdated, I’ll just take myself and my employees to Indianapolis and use money that should go for poor relief and lobby to save my job.
So let’s recap. Nice pay, little work, taxpayer funded health and life and a 60-plus percent chance of getting re-elected. I don’t blame the township folks one bit. So who wants in on this? I’ll start taking resumes next week.
